I’m gonna hold a press conference. I would just post on social media, since that seems to be the default for information from this government – including policy decisions and military actions, but I avoid social media like the plague. But I have some announcements:
1. I am six feet four inches tall, weigh 210 pounds and have the physique of an NFL free safety.
2. I was born in 1965 but am only 52 years old.
3. I have an IQ of 198 and was an exceptional student.
4. I won 90% of the matches I coached at Vassar College.
5. I played for the US Men’s National Team.
What do you mean you don’t believe me? I said it so it must be true. Alas, as much as I wish all of the above was reality, it is actually a deep steaming pile of bullshit. I hope you brought your snorkel. As I set the record straight I will point out the different kinds of crap that is being spread by the lying liars who lie that make up our current “leadership”.
- I might be six feet tall if I think big thoughts, I have only recently gotten my weight down to 225 and am a textbook example of dadbod: flabby stomach, manboobs and no butt.
This is an example of not believing your eyes because I tell you differently. Things they have said that fit this bill:
“The second strike was in self-defense to protect Americans”. Two men clinging to the upside down wreckage of their boat. Scary.
“A woman attacked them and those surrounding them . . . an officer acted defensively to protect himself and those around him”. Go to the tape, Jim.
- I was in fact born in May of 1965, but that would make me, of course, 60 years old.
This is where they claim things that are literally impossible:
“We have saved 258 million lives”. Three quarters of the US population? Really? I’m not addicted to opioids and don’t know anyone who is.
“We‘re going to bring drug prices down by 500% or more, sometimes 1,400% to 1,500%, or even 2,000% to 3,000%”. Um, math.
- I might be smarter than the average bear but no DaVinci. And while I did pretty well in grad school – honors and everything – I was an indifferent and mediocre student at best.
This is where braggadocio and hyperbole kick in:
“I ended seven wars”. Two were never wars, three are ongoing and one was brokered directly between the two countries.
“I invaded California and turned on the water, saving Los Angeles”. The Corps of Engineers turned it on and it literally could not physically reach Southern California.
- While I am very proud of my record as the Vassar coach, it is actually a bit over 50% – 574-486 to be exact. (Yeah, I coached over a thousand matches at VC. Holy hell.) But what matters is that you can very easily look up the facts and catch me in a whopper of a lie.
So they, no surprise, just make stuff up out of whole cloth and present it as hard truth:
“We’re deporting the worst of the worst criminal aliens”. Around 5% of the more than 65,000 in ICE detention have violent crime convictions. 70% have NO criminal convictions
“Washington, DC hasn’t had a single murder in six months”. Try more than 50.
“China has very few wind farms”. They are the world leader in wind power generation and are installing additional capacity at a breakneck pace.
- Oh, wait. Did I say played for? I meant to say I tried out. Picky, picky.
This is just rewriting history. There is a grain of truth – I got in the gym with those guys for a few days – but the distortion is so extreme as to be laughable:
The best and most outlandish example of this stands alone. The manipulation of facts and outright lying on this official government website surrounding January 6 is breathtaking and utterly fucking horrifying.
It would be nice if more of their staggering mendacity, in all its forms, was called out. But they have turned doubling down into an art form and will quite literally keep backing the lie in the face of direct and incontrovertible evidence. It is mildly heartening that at least their credibility seems to be waning – I for one just assume they’re lying and it makes things easier – but not fast enough. And of course there remains the quarter or so of the population that will believe anything ConDon and Co. say, and the group – including most of the Republicans in Congress – who pretend to believe them. And I’m not sure which is worse. So we sink deeper and deeper into a miasma of mendacity and mistrust (see this great piece at Politifact) from which there seems to be no escape. Wouldn’t it be great to believe in the government again? To value truth, honesty and trust? I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but I’m not gonna hold my breath. Did I mention I can hold my breath for eleven minutes? Thanks for reading.